Ask For What You Want, What You Really Really Want

Or, 'those who don't ask, don't get'

Welcome to this week’s roundup of three things I’ve been enjoying, and some chat about what’s on my mind. This week, I’m asking for what I want out of life.

• ☕ Starbucks caramel macchiato. Call me a basic bitch and buy me uggs. The weather here has felt more like October than June lately, and there’s something about a mug full of hot sweet coffee-marked milk (still having them decaf!) that feels soothing. 

• 📕 Summer Romance - Annabel Monaghan. (ad - Amazon affiliate link) There’s a concept in story planning, ‘the promise of the premise’, and this novel really lived up to its premise. That is: A separated mum goes on one perfect date with a hot new dog dad - and skateboarder - and then discovers he’s her best friend’s idiot kid brother. Like many of my favourite romantic comedies, it’s also a coming-of-age in adulthood novel, and in this case that’s about both of the main characters.

• 📱 Oooh, brother! I see this Reel at least three times a week, and I forward it to a pal every time. I will never get bored of it.

I didn’t grow up as someone who asked for things. The definition of femininity and politeness I was encouraged (by society at large, not by anybody in particular) to embody as I grew up was that I should work quietly and really hard, and that this would eventually pay off through people recognising my hard work. As an oldest daughter in a house full of youngest siblings (don’t get me wrong, I had a great childhood), I definitely absorbed the idea that I should keep quiet about what I wanted. Besides, I had everything I needed, and I should be happy with that.

In adult life, though, I’ve found that - if I want to live a life that feels fulfilling and true to myself, I have to - horror of horrors - ask for what I want. (There’s an ‘internet idea’ about Ask Culture vs Guess Culture, which is interesting in this area). 

Obviously, the first stage here is figuring out what it is that I want. But that’s above my pay grade as a humble millennial Substack columnist… so, for the sake of this week’s piece, let’s just assume that you and I know what we want, but we’re just not getting it. 

And I’ll explain what I mean. 

After deciding I wanted to go back to uni to study for a Master’s, I spent some time trying to figure out what course would be right for me. I found a course that looked like it would be right for me, but it’s a sideways move from what I studied at undergraduate level, and I wanted to find out more before getting emotionally invested in the idea. I got in touch with the course convenor (via someone I’d met through work) and they were kind enough to give me half an hour of their time to get to know me and help me understand if I’d be a good fit for the course. When the generalist admissions office rejected my application, I was able to get back in touch with the course convenor, and they intervened on my behalf, so that I’m all set up and ready to start in September. On top of that, having spoken to the course lead makes me feel much more confident that I’m going to enjoy - and succeed - in the programme. 

It’s one thing doing this in a professional or academic setting - but quite another to ask for what we need in our personal lives. When I started seeing the guy I was going out with this spring, though, I promised myself that I was always going to be honest and open with him. Like many people, I’ve been in situationships where I’ve kept quiet about the fact that I want something more than I’m getting, or where my doubts about how much our wishes for the future have matched up have kept me silent. I didn’t want to do that again. So for me, being ‘honest and open’ goes above basic truthfulness - it meant that, without waiting to be asked, I would volunteer the fact that I felt more serious about him than I was expecting to. Life’s too short to play games. 

And sure, he and I aren’t together anymore, but that doesn’t mean that this promise failed me. Proof of that is that we’re genuinely still friendly, and that - I hope - the whole thing was a good experience for both of us. 

That goes for work asks too. Sometimes the answer to a question is ‘no,’ and that’s fine - especially if the reasons why can help me learn for the future too, or help me understand that it isn’t personal. Maybe the project really does have to be kept to a small group of involved people for confidentiality reasons, or my perspective is already represented around a meeting table. If I didn’t ask the question, I’d have thought that I was the one who was lacking.

I’m now senior enough at work that sometimes people are emailing me asking for a favour - and I love being able to help them out, whether that’s me answering their request myself or passing them over to someone I know who’s the perfect person for the situation.

In both work and my personal life,  I’ve never once felt badly towards someone who was unable to give me something I asked for - but I have resented myself if I didn’t express something I felt deeply about. 

So whether it’s a work opportunity, relationship direction, or a helping hand - I am now a firm believer in the idea that there’s no harm in (politely) asking for what you want.

What about you?

Speak soon,

Lily