How I Operate - my own personal etiquette
Excuse me, Emily Post
Etiquette is in the air lately.
The Observer had this fun round-up of ‘the new social etiquette’ earlier in the summer - and then in the last couple of weeks there’s been even more chat. You might have seen Dolly Alderton’s 58 rules for life, or coverage about William Hanson’s upcoming book, Just Good Manners* (*ad - Amazon affiliate link).
But I can’t write about etiquette without a nod to the Princess Diaries’ Guide To Life - a little book that I chose at the school book fair towards the end of primary school.
It contained wisdom like ‘if the eyes are the windows to the soul, the eyebrows are the curtains to the windows to the soul’ and guidance on how to tell which bread plate and water glass are yours at a crowded formal dinner table (make a b and a d with your left and right hands; your bread is on the left and your drink is on the right).
I recently read Jennifer Cook O’Toole’s Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum* (*ad - Amazon affiliate link). One thing she mentioned is that, as a young person, she wished she’d had more people writing out the unwritten rules of behaviour. However our brain works, I’m sure we can all relate to feeling like everyone around us is ‘in’ on a piece of guidance we missed out on getting!
But what’s the difference between ‘etiquette’ and ‘a rule’? To help me explain, let me tell you about a pet peeve of mine at my old gym in Edinburgh. They had little signs up everywhere which said things like ‘Sauna etiquette’ and ‘Swimming pool etiquette’ - for things which, I thought, were rules. That is - if it’s something that ensures people’s immediate safety or basic physical comfort, to me, it’s a ‘rule.’ If it’s a nicety, it’s etiquette.
And so, to my own standard operating protocol (because I can’t really call it ‘etiquette’ if I’m the only one following it!):
Whenever invited to a party or event, I will always follow up to check what time they actually expect people to arrive. Is that ‘8’ actually code for ‘some time after 8.30’ or do they want me to arrive before 8 so we can start an activity at 8? This is one of the unspoken social rules I find the hardest to discern, so I started asking the question instead of trying to guess.
I will always send books and gifts to people’s kids. It makes me so happy to see my friends become parents (see this fantastic article by
)For a number of my friends, I have ‘one specific thing’ that whenever I see or hear it, I will text them about it. Aperol Spritzes - J. Dancing in the Moonlight or cocktail sausages - Z. Trams and buses - F. Horses - C. It’s a way of maintaining a long-distance friendship and staying in my friend’s life (This is a highly specific version of what I’ve seen called ‘pebbling’).
If I’m too tired to do anything but scroll, it’s time to sleep. Or get some fresh air, depending on what time it is. If the world feels too much, I need to have a bath or go for a swim. Related website for guidance.
Earnestness is always welcome. Whether that’s giving people the compliment (which you always should! We don’t say enough nice things to each other) or fully enjoying the moment you’re in, I am a big fan of earnestness.
Speak soon,
Lily
Missed this week’s Friday recommendations roundup?
Totally agree with your pet peeve re etiquette and rules - those signs are so coy and irritating!
I always find “assume good intentions” to be a helpful reminder. I think I’m fuelled by righteous indication most of the time and find myself stressed out by perceived breaches of the social contract and this has really helped. Except for drivers that close pass me, then I have a colourful range of expletives and gestures for them.